


Identity Loss

by Tarlan



Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Community: mcsheplets, Episode Tag, First Time, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-04-26
Updated: 2011-04-26
Packaged: 2017-10-18 16:49:00
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,705
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/191054
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tarlan/pseuds/Tarlan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There were times when Rodney hated himself, especially when Rod showed him the person he could have been.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Identity Loss

**Author's Note:**

> Tag to _McKay and Mrs. Miller_  
>  Written for **mcsheplets** prompt #80 Intellectual

_And they showed me a world where I could be so dependable,  
clinical, intellectual, cynical.  
 **~Supertramp 'The Logical Song'**_

School had made him cynical. It was caused by dealing with kids whose IQs would never reach above average and who resented Rodney for the ease with which he picked up everything the teachers taught. He eventually surpassed even his teachers' limited skills, picking holes in their lessons and theories. One teacher even had the gall to admit that they lied about certain concepts, believing it was beyond the mind of someone his age, and professing that they had wanted to slowly build a foundation that would stand him in good stead for the rest of his life. Except, by the time he reached middle school, he was way beyond his peers, and beyond some of his teachers too. He spent his days in class ignoring them all when he was in a good mood, and showing up the teacher's incompetence when he really was too bored to cope any longer with their ineptitude. He finally reached a compromise where he sat in a corner with higher grade text books borrowed from the local library while they taught baby math to his peers.

Rodney had dreaded high school, convinced that it would be more of the same boredom and lies, day in and day out, but they put him in a high achievers class, several years above his age group, and that almost worked out as the older kids weren't quite as stupid--though they were still well below his intellectual level. A non-working prototype of a nuclear bomb for the school science fair ended the unrelenting misery of high school life and he was _removed_ to Northwestern University, across the Canadian border in Illinois.

The competitiveness of far older students was overwhelming at first but Rodney quickly learned to hold his own, overturning their most stupid theories with clinical precision and cynicism. Eventually, he realized that some had come to depend on him to check their work, using him to tear apart their theories so they could rebuild them using Rodney's ideas--stealing from him. After narrowly avoiding expulsion when someone copied his papers and accused him of being the thief, Rodney hardened up and started to keep his ideas close while still showing others the errors in their thinking. He'd avoided expulsion because the other student couldn't explain the theory behind the paper beyond a surface level comprehension, whereas Rodney not only understood it but could show the beginnings of a mathematical proof.

Dependable, clinical, intellectual, cynical.

Others added to those words: petty, arrogant, and cowardly...when physically attacked, though he could certainly hold his own on a verbal attack. Plus phrases too: emotionally stunted, socially incompetent, just plain rude. He didn't suffer fools, even when they were as clever and as beautiful as Sam Carter, never considering that his emotional limitations made him just as much the fool in her eyes. They were intellectual equals but her social awareness gave her one more frame of reference in deciphering the universe around them. She was the artist while he was merely an exceptionally gifted technician.

Rodney recalled admitting that to her in the infirmary as she recovered from burning her hands when their attempt to stop Anubis from destroying the Stargate failed. For the first time in his life he had wanted to be someone else, or at least, he had wanted to have an ability that was not solely related to the intellect. Perhaps that was why he had hated Rod from the alternate universe, because Rod had somehow managed to grasp the social concepts that had always eluded Rodney. In Rodney's eyes, Rod had it all; the intellect, the social awareness, physical and mental courage...and an ability to make friends with practically anyone he met rather than drive them away with words that seemed to bypass any internal censorship. Rodney had even spotted Rod playing real golf with John but he had left when Rod started showing John exactly how to swing a club, placing his hands on John's lean hips and pressing up against him.

Rodney had hated Rod at that moment, but he hated himself just as much. It was bad enough that Rod had stolen his sister away from him, but now he was angling in on the one person Rodney had wanted from the moment they met. It should have been Rodney pressed up tight against John's back, with his hands on John's hips, breathing in the clean aftershave and unique scent of the man.

When the time came to send Rod home, Rodney had a serious concern that they would send him away instead and keep _Mr. Fantastic_. And though he willingly accepted the credit for his _selflessness_ in giving up the last spark of energy from the ZPM just to send Rod home, in truth he had simply wanted him gone. Even so, approaching his team in the mess hall had not been easy. He had made his peace with Jeannie, proving to both of them that he could learn, that he could grow as a person, but he was afraid the others would have preferred Rod to stay rather than him, especially after all the jokes told at his expense.

Teyla and Ronon left a little while later leaving him alone with John, and he felt a stab of fear deep in his heart. Perhaps now they were alone, John would reveal how much he missed the other Meredith Rodney McKay. They walked along the corridor together, heading back towards their quarters, but John stopped abruptly.

"Okay. What's up, McKay?"

"Up? I don't know what you mean."

"Oh, come on. You've said barely two words in the last ten minutes."

Normally, words of derision would drop easily from his lips in a satisfying tirade but instead he blurted out, "I know you preferred him to me."

John's expression hardened and he stabbed his index finger at Rodney. "You're wrong. You are..."

Two scientists entering the far end of the corridor cut him short and he grabbed the lapel of Rodney's jacket and pulled hard, dragging him along the remainder of the corridor and into John's quarters. The door closed behind them and Rodney found himself pressed up against it with John crowding into his personal space in a way that should have been erotic but filled him with fear. John took a step back but the index finger was pointing at him again.

"You are so wrong there, buddy."

Feeling a little bravado, Rodney rolled back his shoulders. "I'm not a fool. He had it all."

"No."

Rodney winced as that finger stabbed him in the chest, and Rodney smacked the hand away but it only brought John in closer again until they were only inches apart and he could swear he could feel John's warm breath on his face.

"He looked like you and he talked like you...but that's where the resemblance ended. He wasn't YOU."

"I wanted to be him," Rodney admitted bitterly.

"I don't." John's voice dropped, "I want you to be you."

"Want?" Rodney asked but could see John starting to draw back as if he had revealed too much, and Rodney decided that as he had already made a fool of himself, what was one more act of stupidity. He dove in fast and kissed John. For a moment nothing happened as John looked back at him in shock. "Oh god, I'm sorry. I didn't--"

Hard lips kissed him with bruising strength, cutting off his abject apology; the remaining words forgotten as his hands came up to grab at John, deepening the already brutal kiss until both of them let go of the raw emotion and let the kiss morph into tenderness. By the time they drew slightly apart, they were both breathing heavily, leaning foreheads together as they sought to control themselves. Rodney thought that whatever they just had would end here as John took a step back, but then he felt the tug of his jacket and realized John was trying to push it off his shoulders.

"Really?"

John worried his lower lip, already swollen from that first kiss; he nodded. Rodney felt a fleeting temptation to strip off fast and body-tackle John to the admittedly narrow bed but instead he forced his shaking fingers to go slow, letting John set the pace as they kissed and caressed between each discarded piece of clothing. When he was finally naked, any fear of inadequacy compared to John's lean, taut and muscular body faded beneath the obvious pleasure John found in touching him. They kissed again, moving together as John's hands slid down Rodney's back to cup his ass, dragging him in closer, harder. He could feel the press of John's hard cock against his belly, feel his own cock slide and catch against the more abundant body hair that arrowed below John's naval to his groin. They parted only long enough for him to press John down onto the bed and lie up against him, one leg pushing between John's and the other thrown over the top to increase the closeness and the contact of skin against skin, slowly rocking together until he felt John tense. The flood of warmth triggered his own climax and he hoped he hadn't made an even bigger fool of himself as his brain caught up with the garbled words of endearment and lust falling from his lips against John's throat.

Afterwards, they lay in a sweaty, sticky heap, still wrapped around each other as Rodney's racing heartbeat began to slow.

John nudged him with his shoulder. "You have a potty mouth during sex, McKay."

Rodney felt a flush of embarrassment but before he could respond, John was half on top of him and pressing a fast kiss against his lips. "I'm not complaining," he murmured. "This is you. All I want."

Later, when showered and wrapped around each other between clean sheets, Rodney found himself staring up at John's ceiling, wondering what Rod was doing now. But for the first time since meeting his alternative, intellectually brilliant and socially competent self, he was content to be Rodney rather than Rod.

END


End file.
